E.T. - The Sequel

I woke up at 4:40 am this morning with a movie script in my head. This will work, I tell you. Check it out:

E.T. 2:
E.T. Skype Home

Plot: E.T. returns to earth to find out what has happened to his friends Elliott, Gertie, and their family. His spaceship accidentally crash lands, once again stranding him in northern California. Remarkably, he finds himself in the backyard of a now-grown Elliott, who now has a wife and a son named Elliott Jr. The whole setup makes for 2 hours of hilarious-and-heart warming hijinks in a world far technologically superior to the one E.T. experienced in the early '80s.

Scene 1: E.T. waddles into a familiar-looking backyard at night and tries to figure out a way to reveal himself to his old friend Elliott. Trying to sneak in the backdoor of the house, E.T. sets off the ADT security system, leading to 10 minutes of hilarious child-screaming, dog-barking, pot-and-pan crashing pandemonium. When the dust settles, E.T. is disappointed to see that Elliott - by now 35 years old - is a Silicon Valley workaholic who has no time for extra terrestrials. He pawns E.T. off on his son, Elliott Jr., who is about as old as he was when E.T. showed up the last time.

Scene 2: At the Elliott family home. Elliott Jr. spends about 6 hours a day playing Sega and Wii, munching on Reese's Pieces and looking like the poster kid for child obesity. E.T. seems immediately disappointed with his decision to return. He starts repeating, "E.T. phone home, E.T. phone home" over and over again in a croaky voice.

Scene 3: At Elliott, Sr.'s, high profile tech company in the Valley. Elliott Sr. mentions that an alien showed up at his house the night before over a working lunch with other hip young executives. Most of them laugh it off, but a particularly nervous-looking woman with a fear of extra terrestrials and a desire to move into Elliott Sr.'s job calls the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. A guy in a Hazmat Suit answers the phone but explains that the CDC is way too busy battling swine flu to worry about a wrinkly, somewhat toadish alien in northern California.

Scene 4: Back at the Elliott family home. E.T. uses his magic glowy finger to make Elliott Jr.'s Wii crash, forcing Junior to listen to his croaky pleading about phoning home. Junior impatiently explains that the family recently cut their landline because they couldn't justify the expense with everybody having cell phones. When E.T. digs through Junior's dirty clothes pile to find his cell phone, Junior explains that Dad cut off his service last month after he sent over 900 text messages to friends. E.T. is almost apoplectic.

Scene 5: Driving around San Francisco in a sporty BMW convertible. Elliott Sr.'s wife, who spends most of her days at various gyms and spas, finds the idea that the family is harboring an ugly, squattish alien to be distasteful in the extreme. To compensate, she starts telling her friends that they've taken in a child with special needs and orders physical and occupational therapy to help E.T. cope with his strangely enlongated neck and overly short legs.

Scene 6: At the Elliott family home. E.T. spends several miserable months at the Elliott home, neglected by Elliott Sr., tormented by Mrs. Elliott Sr., and annoyed by Elliott Jr. He finds solace in starting a blog, where he writes everyday about the challenges of living as an alien in today's America.

Scene 7: In a rundown trailer somewhere in the desert Southwest. Gertie (Elliott's little sister in the original E.T., played by an adorable six-year old Drew Barrymore), who has been living her entire adult life near Roswell, New Mexico, running a fringe shop for alien enthusiasts, happens across E.T.'s blog while researching government conspiracies on the Internet one day. She immediately drives to California in a beat-up VW van, where she rescues E.T by distracting Elliott Jr. with a king-sized bag of Reese's Pieces. A day later they are back in Roswell, where Gertie introduces E.T. to the almost Star Trek-like awesomeness of Skype. E.T. is able to locate his alien friends in short order, and they are reunited in cyberspace amidst lots of strange gurgling noises, glowy fingers, and neck stretches.

Scene 8: Inside Area 51. E.T.'s friends arrange to pick him up - ironically - inside the Area 51 military base near Roswell. He and Gertie arrive in Gertie's old VW, just ahead of both the Elliott family (angry at Gertie's deception) and the local military police. The spaceship descends, E.T. boards, and at the last minute, all the E.T. creatures gesture to Gertie that she is welcome to join them. She does, with tears in her eyes, and the spaceship flies off into the night. Roll credits.

I'm telling you, this thing's got "Oscar" written all over it. Am I missing anything?? Is there any sane reason why Stephen Spielberg shouldn't be casting for this film right now??

More than meets the eye...

... That's a saying usually associated with the Transformers, but I think this summer it fits better with a kindler, gentler robot. That's right. I'm talking about WALL-E, the new Pixar film from Disney about a trash compacting robot who falls in love, saves humanity from a barcalounging and binge eating fate, helps point the way to a sustainable future for the earth, and gets the girl in the end. The robot girl, that is.

This has been a summer of exciting movies. We've seen new incarnations of old franchises (Rambo, Indiana Jones, Batman). We've seen crime-fighting and misunderstood superheroes (Iron Man, Incredible Hulk). And we've seen the continuation of ongoing sagas (Prince Caspian). But for my money, none of them can hold a candle to WALL-E. This film manages to provide robust entertainment for the kids while offering grown-ups a compelling commentary on our increasingly poor stewardship of the earth and of our own selves.

One commentary I read on WALL-E notes the irony of the Walt Disney company offering a critique of consumerism. That's a point well-made. But the rank hypocrisy of the market should not keep us from taking note of those times when the market is willing to critique its own modus operandi. In my current column in the United Methodist Reporter, I look at the messages WALL-E offers in the areas of environmental degradation, conspicuous consumption, and techonological addiction. These all fall under the umbrella of stewardship, which is as biblical an idea as you can get.

I'd be curious to hear if anyone has discussed WALL-E in a Sunday school or small group setting. It could be a good teaching tool.